There's one thing that's a slam dunk guarantee Monday and Tuesday in Chicago at Big Ten media days: plenty of "coach speak."
But what if there was a magical way to get coaches to be 100% honest, no matter what the question might be? How would we view these coaches and their programs differently? What questions would you want to ask each coach?
So, with that in mind, if I magically come up with a secret spell to eliminate "coach speak" between now on Monday and could ask anyone any question, here's where I would go. There's obviously a lot you could ask, but I'll just keep it to a question or two for each coach.
Some of these are obviously (and intended to be) more fun, while some are more serious. You can be the judge.
ILLINOIS - Lovie Smith
So, how in the world did you end up as the head coach at Illinois?
I mean seriously...why are you at Illinois?
INDIANA - Kevin Wilson
Will your defense actually be able to stop anyone this year?
How's the basketball team going to be this season?
IOWA - Kirk Ferentz
So Kirk, do you mind if I call you Kirk? Your teams traditionally haven't performed well in years when they have "expectations" placed on them...how sick are you of that rhetoric? And...will your team perform well with expectations on them this year?
You've got some sneaky nasty guys on defense this year...could this be one of your best defensive teams?
MARYLAND - D.J. Durkin
(Coach sits down) Uh, who are you again?
(Nervous laughter after first question) So who's going to be your QB this year? Over/under 20 interceptions?
MICHIGAN - Jim Harbaugh
How much confidence do you have in your QB's this season?
How long until you start thinking about jumping back to the NFL?
Exactly how many pairs of those khaki pants would you say you own?
MICHIGAN STATE - Mark Dantonio
Another year as the underdog, coach...guessing you probably don't mind that at this point?
How effective can Tyler O'Conner be in replacing Connor Cook?
MINNESOTA - Tracy Claeys
How good can Mitch Leidner be in his final season?
Has Coach Kill stayed involved with the program at all?
NEBRASKA - Mike Riley
So what are you saying to these 2017 kids to get them so excited about Nebraska?
Final year for Tommy Armstrong...are you happy or sad you'll be replacing your QB after this season?
NORTHWESTERN - Pat Fitzgerald
Clayton Thorson in year two...how good will he be?
How close are you to being a major player in the Big Ten West? Or are you there already, and we just don't know it?
OHIO STATE - Urban Meyer
So, do you ever get tired of winning?
Your counterpart in Ann Arbor is pretty flashy...does that ever just straight up tick you off?
PENN STATE - James Franklin
Honestly...how much of a shadow does everything STILL happening with the Sandusky case and Joe Paterno cast over your program?
What is your offense going to look like this season now that Hackenburg is gone?
PURDUE - Darrell Hazell
Did you send Ryker Fyfe and Mike Riley a nice "thank you" card for saving your job last year?
That beer garden thing you guys have in your stadium sounds pretty sweet...you ever look over there during a game and wish you were partaking?
RUTGERS - Chris Ash
Give me three good reasons, besides TV sets, that your team belongs in this conference. Go.
You went to Drake, right? That's cool - me too! You enjoy Peggy's during the Relays, or were you more of a West End kind of guy?
WISCONSIN - Paul Chryst
Who did you piss off at the Big Ten office to get THAT schedule man?
Is your offense going to be any better this year? Even a little bit?
BONUS - Former Illinois Coach Tim Beckman
So, (laughter held back), can you go over that whole "OSKEE" thing again...
BONUS, PT 2. - Former Nebraska Coach Bo Pelini
So you, Shawn Eichorst, and a random Nebraska fan walk into a bar... (coach gets up and leaves, looking angry)... Well, I guess that's a wrap.